Aisling’s ‘Weird News’ snippet. May 2019

The Perils of Backstreet Magic

In a landmark case, a thief appeared in court last week for illegal use of backstreet magic. The thief had purchased the magic from a rouge mage, and was attempting a ‘pass through the wall’ spell in order to rob a house, when the magic fizzled out, leaving him with one arm and one leg trapped in the stone wall.

Due to the unknown ingredients used in the spell, the Mage Guild barred any of its members for attempting to release the thief.

Therefore, a sizeable portion of the wall containing the thief, was removed from the house and taken to Bastion prison. Sources within the prison reported that the thief refused to rat on the mage, saying he’d rather stay stuck in the wall than get turned into something foul. The thief also complained about the jail keepers ‘torture’.

Apparently, they amused themselves by tickling the toes on his trapped leg.

Because of the unusual circumstances, the case was rushed through the courts. In order for the thief to appear at his own trial, a courthouse side entrance had to be widened, and the court dock strengthened to accommodate the weight of the wall.

The thief pleaded guilty, and begged for mercy. Judge Roker, already aware of how much all this was costing the city, showed clemency by banishing the thief beyond the city walls. Upon hearing that the spell would last at least twelve months, Judge Roker decreed that the wall must be banished too.

An impasse followed. While the thief’s lawyer argued that it was impossible for the thief to carry the wall himself, the court argued that they weren’t responsible for any costs incurred in relocating the thief outside the city.

Luckily for the thief, a passing circus offered to take him. The Judge agreed. ‘Travel wide,’ Judge Roker told the circus owner. ‘Let everyone see the effects of meddling with magic.’

This judgement didn’t sit well with some of Judge Roker’s colleagues.

‘Judge Roker’s past retirement age,” Judge Graged commented. ‘She’s not with it anymore. If that thief appeared in my court, I’d order his release by severing his trapped limbs. I’d then order the wall, limbs and all, placed on permanent display in the hall of shame as a warning to others who dare meddle with unauthorised magic. I’d put it right up there with Lord Javeln’s Jaws.’

Surprisingly, Judge Ringer gave the thief leave to pursue compensation for the tickling.

The Festival of Falling Lights

As the hospitals and medical centres prepare for the Festival of Falling Lights, please study the official recommendations below to ensure your safety on this most special night. All forecasts point to the globes drifting over the city on the night of the 9th. The Envelop Plantagen Guild has increased their reward for anyone recovering an intact blue globe. Reward now stands at 50 gold pieces.

An Envelop Plantagen spokesperson said, ‘We need to discover where the wind picks up these eggs, and why only one in a million is capable of hatching. Only the blue are fertile. If we can hatch one, then it may lead us back to the source, and we can learn many secrets.’

Please observe, it is mandatory to hand over blue globes.

Official rules for The Festival of Falling Lights.

  • Never catch a falling globe, regardless of colour.
  • Never pick up a fallen globe until it has faded to a dull red. Always use gloves. Leather, not cloth.
  • Ensure your health insurance covers burns. State home insurance doesn’t cover globe fires, so prepare well. In the event that a globe triggers a house fire, the Ministry of Conflagration advises dousing with soap paste and sand. Water must never be used. All fire tenders are already assigned to protect official buildings.
  • Any disputes arising over ownership of any intact egg will result in the egg being confiscated by the City Guards.

Dragov Wader Corpse Discovered

For the third time this year, a Dragov Wader corpse has been discovered in the Grate River. Early reports suggest that this Dragov had an enormous chunk bitten out of his shoulder. Maggots analysed from the corpse show the beast died two days ago.

Whatever killed it is close.

The authorities are being criticised for their slow reaction to the discovery, thus leading to tragedy. Though the corpse had been spotted at dawn, two hours passed before it snagged on rocks beneath the Rafter Bridge. By then a flotilla of small boats trailed it. Each craft was crammed with people eager to claim the Dragov’s teeth.

River currents, and the abundance of scavengers picking at the corpse, made tooth recovery impossible. Nevertheless, before the authorities finally arrived, three boats had capsized, one drowning was reported, and one sailor taken by scavengers.

Authorities refuse to say what action is being taken to search for a predator large enough to kill a Dragov Wader. But something is hunting. Unofficial reports say that communications have been lost with some villages upstream, and that a Company of Talents is being assembled to investigate.

In anticipation of the Dragov Wader’s teeth, and perhaps some internal organs, being released for auction, unofficial bidding has commenced. Bidders from as far afield as Transpal have arrived in the city in the past twenty-four hours. More are expected.

Due to scavenger menace, all Grate River swimming is cancelled until these pest are driven back into the Midlon Swamp.

Property News

The Shadow Quarter saw the greatest annual property price rise in The City. Who’d want to live in that gloom, you ask? According to Bealet’s Property Almanac, the area has grown popular with Dark Eyes.